


Despair and Joy

by Snailhair



Series: Purpose [12]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x18, Destiel canon - Freeform, Family, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, OCs - Freeform, Oneshot, response to canon Destiel, the Purpose Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:13:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27465487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snailhair/pseuds/Snailhair
Summary: (15x18 Spoilers!) Castiel makes a confession to Dean before being taken by the empty - only for Dean to wake up and realize the truth. (Oneshot, ties to Purpose Series, OCs)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Crowley/Bobby Singer, Gabriel/Sam Winchester
Series: Purpose [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/775146
Comments: 21
Kudos: 52





	Despair and Joy

**Author's Note:**

> This oneshot is dedicated to my dear friend, Casey. She, like most of us, was devastated by episode 15x18. So, this is my answer to the Destiel canon(ish) moment. The beginning is not exactly the same, but I tried my best. Also, I kinda tied this into the Purpose Series, so if you’ve never read it, there will be OC cameos. Other than that, I hope you enjoy!)

_The silence was overwhelming. It was so damn quiet that Dean could hear his own blood flowing. That was the first thing he was aware of. Then, it was Cas’s face; black scruff, pink lips, baby-blue eyes. The angel was standing with him somewhere in the bunker… Then, there was the hard bang. The ear-splitting, room-quaking ‘bang’ coming from the other side of the door. Terror welled up in Dean because he knew who was there. It was Death. Death was knocking on the door, making itself known. Dean and Cas were both going to die. This was it…_

_“She’s gonna get through that door…” Dean exhaled._

_“I know,” Cas replied._

_“And then she’s gonna kill you. And then she’s gonna kill me,” Dean prophesized._

_He was already able to see it in his mind; the scythe cutting them both down with one swipe. He was so damn useless. This time, he and Cas were backed into a corner and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do. The man hung his head, unable to look at the innocent angel anymore._

_“I’m sorry.”_

_Another loud ‘bang’ echoed from the door and rattled Dean’s ribcage. Death was coming for both of them, but at least they would die together. The world and everyone in it would be lost, but at least they wouldn’t be alone in their demise, right?_

_“Wait…” Cas muttered, causing Dean to look back at him in wonder, “There’s one thing she’s afraid of… There’s one thing strong enough to stop her… I made a deal…”_

_Dean was lost. Cas made a deal? When? With who? Why?_

_“You what?”_

_“I made a deal,” Cas repeated. “The price was my life. When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the empty would be summoned, and it would take me forever.”_

_The Empty? Cas made a deal with the Empty? Without telling Dean?! Why would he do that? More importantly, why would he bring it up right before Death was about to barge through the door?_

_“Why are you telling me this now?”_

_Before he replied, Cas turned to fully face Dean, bringing his soft blue eyes up so that he could stare directly at the man in front of him. The change was subtle, but remarkably helpful. Dean’s focus was no longer on the door, but on his most cherished angel, which brought him a touch of comfort._

_“I always wondered, ever since I took that burden – that curse – I wondered what it could be; what my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer because the one thing I want… It’s something I know I can’t have…”_

_Another thudding ‘Bang’ pierced through Cas’s explanation, making Dean flinch. Despite the distraction, Cas’s deep voice never wavered._

_“But I think I know… I think I know now… Happiness isn’t in the having. It’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.”_

_Between their impending doom and Cas’s riddled words, Dean was starting to panic. He didn’t understand why this was happening! He didn’t know what the hell Cas meant!_

_“What are you talking about, man?”_

_Cas stepped even closer, tilting his head upward so as to catch more of Dean’s stare._

_“I know… I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you,” the angel said, “You’re destructive, and you’re angry, and you’re broken you’re – you’re daddy’s blunt instrument. And you think that hate and anger, that’s – that’s what drives you, that’s who you are… It’s not. And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love, you fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are.”_

_Dean flinched at a new bang at the door, realizing that they were getting louder. Though Cas’s compliments were nice, Dean didn’t like hearing them. This conversation was too emotional. It was packed full of too much honesty. This was the kind of shit that people said on their deathbeds…_

_“You’re the most caring man on Earth,” Cas continued, his blue eyes pooling with tears, “You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know…”_

_The sound of Death’s pounding fist faded into the background as Dean stared helplessly at his favorite angel. He couldn’t ever remember seeing Cas cry before… Cas wasn’t supposed to cry…_

_“You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you outta Hell, knowing you has changed me,” Cas said, grinning through his tears. “Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you… I cared about Sam… I cared about the whole world. Because of you.”_

_Dean watched a tear slide all the way down Cas’s cheek and drip from his jaw, unable to fully comprehend the fact that it was happening._

_“You changed me, Dean,” Cas breathed, his voice higher than Dean remembered._

_Dean could feel his own tears surfacing behind his eyeballs. Why was Cas saying this? Why did this sound so familiar?_

_“Why does this sound like a goodbye?”_

_The words left Dean’s mouth just before another bang echoed through the room. Cas tilted his head once more, wearing a look of apology and pain._

_“… Because it is.”_

_Dean shook his head. No. No, this couldn’t be goodbye. They were going to die together, just like Dean always imagined it; side-by-side and fighting, like always. Cas couldn’t go alone! He couldn’t die saving Dean! Dean wouldn’t let him! Although disagreement was surely written all over Dean’s face, Cas still took another step forward, bringing his unbelievably sapphire eyes close enough for Dean to see the emotion pulsing from them._

_“I love you.”_

_Cas’s silk voice saying those words made Dean’s heart surge. He had wanted to hear Cas say those words for so long… But not like this! Not at the end of everything! This couldn’t be happening! This wasn’t real! Dean wasn’t going to let him go!_

_“Don’t do this, Cas,” Dean begged._

_After another knock from Death, a grotesque sound came from behind Dean and he spun around to see the black void of the Empty appearing on the wall. It was coming for Cas, just like the angel said it would. It was too late. Cas was so happy that the Empty was going to swallow him up._

_On the other side of the room, Death finally broke in. The metal door swung open and she stormed inside with her scythe at the ready. Dean and Cas were sandwiched between two evils; stuck between death and something even worse. Dean’s panic had rendered him motionless. His heart was racing but he couldn’t move. In the chaos, he found Cas’s teary eyes again, the only place of true safety he had ever known._

_“Cas,” he whimpered breathlessly._

_Dean felt Cas’s hand clutch his shoulder – the same spot the angel always touched him – as Cas opened his mouth to speak one last time._

_“Goodbye, Dean.”_

_Before Dean could do or say anything to stop him, the angel tossed the man out of the way; flinging him to the other side of the room. Dean quickly scrambled to sit up and see if he could stop it, only to witness the darkness of the Empty wrap around Cas and Death behind him. It happened so fast that Dean didn’t have time to react. The last thing he saw was Cas smiling through tears before disappearing completely._

_Then, the silence was back, and it was worse than ever. Not only was it quiet enough for him to hear his own heartbeat – and know that he was still alive – It was also silent enough for him to realize that he was alone. Cas was gone. For good. Dean would never see him again… And he would never get to say those three words back to him… Whimpers turned into sobs as Dean sat on the floor and held his head in his hands._

_“Cas,” he groaned, feeling himself being buried under waves of grief, “Cas…”_

“Dean.”

From beneath his sea of woe, Dean sat up and searched for the source of Cas’s voice. He realized that the room he was in was suddenly dark and the floor he sat on was more comfortable than he remembered. Too comfortable, somehow. He blinked and put his hand down in the dark, feeling the soft fabric of bedsheets and blankets. He was… in bed? But where was Cas?

“Cas?”

A dim lamp clicked on across the room – and Cas was standing before Dean’s eyes. The angel was wearing his blue robe and usual look of curious worry, tilting his head as he walked closer to inspect the man on the bed.

“It’s alright, Dean. I think you just experienced a – _oof_!”

Dean had jumped up and leaped forward to nearly tackle the angel. He wrapped his arms as tightly around Cas’s torso as he could, breathing in Cas’s sweet scent and enjoying his warmth. They were pressed so firmly together that Dean could feel Cas’s heart beating against his own chest. Yes, Cas was still alive! He didn’t go with the Empty. Which meant Dean could do it, now. He could say it back!

“Cas, I love you!” Dean blurted, leaning back so that he could grab the angel’s face with both hands and look into his eyes, panting the whole time. “Y – you hear me, man? I said I love you, too! I love you! Don’t do it, okay?! Don’t let the Empty take you!”

“Dean,” Cas said sternly, plucking Dean’s hands off so that he could shake his head, “What are you talking about?”

“Death was coming,” Dean explained, “Death was knocking on the door. And the Empty came. You made that damn deal with the Empty! And you were gonna sacrifice yourself to save me! And then I was… on the bed… and…”

The more Dean rambled on, the more he realized how ridiculous he sounded. It was such a complicated and overly-dramatic plot that only his dreams could cook it up. Plus, Cas was giving him that look; that ‘ _Are you okay?_ ’ look. Dean took a breath to steady his racing heart, moving his hands to Cas’s shoulders instead.

“…It was a dream,” Dean stated.

Cas nodded.

“… I’m in our bedroom.”

Cas nodded again. Dean’s eyes narrowed as he wiggled his bare toes against the floor and shifted his hips, feeling himself sway limply.

“… and I don’t have any clothes on.”

Cas’s blue eyes dropped for a second before returning to Dean’s stare.

“That is correct,” the angel agreed.

Dean sighed and took a step back to look down at his own body. Apart from the coolness of the floor, Dean could feel sweat all over his skin. The nightmare of losing Cas had made him freak out so much that his body physically responded. He had never had such a bad dream before… Cas briefly stepped away to retrieve his tan trench coat, which he carefully slipped onto Dean. The man slowly snaked his arms through the sleeves as he watched Cas tie the fabric in the front, wrapping Dean in comfort and making him decent.

“You’re very pale, Dean,” the angel pointed out, touching the man’s cheek. “May I walk you to the kitchen and make you some coffee?”

Though he was still in a daze, Dean nodded and allowed Cas to pull him forward. They exited their bedroom with joined hands and walked out into the brightly lit bunker hallway. Dean studied his surroundings as he went, unable to shake the pain from his chest. That nightmare had planted a terrible feeling way down in his soul. How could something so bad feel so real? Dean never wanted that to happen. Cas could never die like that. Dean’s hand tightened around his angel’s as they entered the kitchen and made their way to the table. Cas gently sat Dean down and patted his shoulder before going over to start up the coffee maker. When the scent of coffee grounds filled the air, Dean breathed deep and tried to relax. But all he could see was Cas’s tearstained face. ‘ _Why does this sound like a goodbye?’ ‘Because it is…_ ’

“I love you, Cas,” Dean blurted.

The angel lifted his head from the counter to smile at Dean over his shoulder.

“I love you as well, Dean,” he assured, though he still looked worried. “Are you alright?”

“I – don’t know,” Dean admitted.

Between his pounding heart and confused mind, Dean wasn’t sure what was real and what wasn’t. To control his emotion, Dean watched the angel at the counter pour some coffee into his Batman mug and walk back. Dean couldn’t look away from Cas’s face. It was the same as it was in his dream; when the Empty swallowed him up and he disappeared forever… Dean shook his head and looked down to take the coffee mug, only to see the silver ring gleaming from Cas’s finger. Dean raised his own left hand to see its shiny twin. They were married. Married, and living in the bunker. Everything was okay…

The angel’s blue eyes narrowed as he handed off the steaming mug. Dean took a sip, instantly scalding his tongue with the hot liquid before swallowing hard and coughing. Geez, what was wrong with Dean tonight? It was like he couldn’t function! Cas sat down next to him and pat his back, shaking his head. The angel was clearly concerned about Dean’s strange behavior, but Dean couldn’t help himself. It was that damn dream. It filled him with so much heartache. So much _despair_ … ‘ _I love you_ ’ Why didn’t Dean say it back?!

In the kitchen, Dean instantly spun to face Cas, grabbed the front of his blue robe, and yanked him forward to plunge their lips together. Dean kissed Cas with all the passion his heart could pour into it; holding the back of his soft head with one hand, caressing his neck and cheek with the other, humming gently, and swirling his tongue all around Cas’s. It went on for almost an entire minute before Dean let go and leaned back to pant with their foreheads together.

“Don’t… Don’t ever sacrifice yourself for me, Cas. Please,” Dean whispered. “We either both survive, or we die together, alright? We die together or not at all.”

“Of course, Dean. I promise,” Cas replied sweetly.

The two of them cuddled close at the kitchen table for a few moments, quietly caressing each other’s faces and pecking kisses, before footsteps came into the room. Sam, Gabriel, and their dog strolled in with messy hair and concerned expressions, with Sammy looking half asleep. The giant kid rubbed his eyes as he walked over to put a hand on Dean’s shoulder.

“Dude, are you alright?” he asked.

“F – fine,” Dean lied. “Why?”

“’Cause Cassie just told me you had a visit from the evil sandman,” Gabriel answered.

Dean turned to look at his angel with an arched eyebrow and Cas hunkered down bashfully.

“I’m sorry, Dean. You concerned me,” he mumbled as he fiddled with Dean’s fingers, “I may have said a few prayers while I made your coffee…”

“A few?” Dean repeated with exasperation.

Almost as soon as he mentioned it, two more people popped into the bunker kitchen near the door. It was Jude, Dean and Cas’s adult son, and his husband, Clarence. The demon was yawning and looking around in a daze, but Jude was wearing the exact expression of worry as his angelic father. Jude and Cas could have been mistaken for twins in that moment, if it wasn’t for Jude’s brown hair and freckles.

“What happened, Dad? Are you okay? Pop just said that you were in trouble,” Jude said in a rush, walking over to touch Dean’s other shoulder.

“Whoa, whoa, would everyone relax? I just had a –”

“A bad dream, eh?”

Everyone turned to look at the British voice who had spoken, and found Crowley standing next to Bobby and Rowena, who both appeared grumpy and exhausted.

“Ugh, we came all this way for a bloody nightmare?” Rowena squawked, “For all the sleep I’m missin’, the lad better be half dead!”

“Nah. Just half crazy from the sound of it,” Gabe mentioned.

“What the hell even happened?” Clare grumbled from the doorway.

“Dean-o had a bad dream,” Gabe answered, turning to give Dean the stink eye. “Were there Oompa Loompas involved? If so, I might have a remedy for that.”

“Dammit, Gabe. Why do you always have to bring that back up?” Sam groaned. “Every time I forget about it, you remind me all over again –”

Dean could feel a grin growing across his face as he sat and listened to Sam and Gabriel bicker like an old married couple. The fact that they actually _were_ an old married couple just made it even more hilarious… Jude tapped on Dean’s shoulder to get his attention, to which Dean gladly looked up at his adult son.

“Is there anything Clare and I can do for you, Dad? It’s almost morning, maybe we can run and get you some breakfast.”

“Ooh, breakfast?!” Gabe jumped in, eyes lit up as he ignored the rest of Sammy’s argument, “I’ll agree to that!”

“Me too. I’m in dire need of some caffeine right now,” Bobby mumbled, stifling a yawn.

“Darling, don’t you think we should tend to your eldest boy first? You may need to tuck him back into bed and read him a fairytale,” Crowley mentioned sarcastically.

“Nonsense. The man just needs a wee calming potion,” Rowena replied, fixing her hair as she walked toward the hall, “Clarence, love. Be a dear and fetch me a cauldron up from the bottom floor, would you?”

“Sure,” Clare sighed, scratching the back of his messy blonde head before saluting the room and dipping out. “Hope you feel better, Dean,” he called on the way.

“So, it’s settled. Sam, Jude, and I will go pick up some grub while everyone else hangs out here,” Gabe announced.

“Really?” Sam muttered, “Since when did I agree to –”

“- and then, we’ll go to a poolhall or something. Deanie-wienie loves playing pool. That oughta cheer him up,” Gabe continued, smacking Sam on the ass. “C’mon, moose! Let’s go get your big booty dressed!”

Sammy rolled his eyes but paused to look down at Dean.

“You sure you’re good, man?”

Dean nodded.

“All good, Sammy. Thanks,” he answered.

Sam nodded before following the trickster out the door. Afterward, Jude came around to study his father. Dean tried his best to appear normal, smiling the best he could and giving his son a wink.

“I’m okay, little man. I promise,” he assured.

Jude nodded before bending down to hug Dean’s shoulders. Dean’s smile turned large and genuine as he held his son close and breathed in his scent, which held hints of the familiar smell from when he was only a baby.

“If you need anything, just let me know.”

“I will, buddy. I love you,” Dean answered.

“Love you too, Dad.”

Jude patted Dean’s shoulder once more before following Sam and Gabe out of the kitchen. Bobby was the only one left with Dean and Cas, and he was pouring himself a cup of coffee across the room at the counter. When peace returned to the room, Dean looked down – and realized he was still only wearing Cas’s coat. Shit. Did any of them notice? Maybe. But at this point, did any of them really care if Dean was wearing Cas’s coat? Probably not. But still…

“I need to get dressed too,” Dean mentioned as he carefully stood up.

“I will join you, Dean,” Cas added, mimicking the man’s every move.

Dean was glad that Cas was following him. He wanted to get the angel alone again and talk privately. Once they were out of the kitchen and in the hall, Dean paused to turn around and look back at his angel.

“Babe, you did not have to tell all of those people that I had a bad dream,” he mumbled. “They couldn’t do anything to help me anyway.”

Cas’s head tilted to the side; a sight that Dean adored.

“But… they did do something.”

“What?” Dean asked, face skewed with confusion. “What are you talking about? They didn’t do anything.”

“Yes, they did,” Cas contested, reaching out to clutch Dean’s hand. “Dean, they brought you _joy_. For a few precious moments, you forgot all about your nightmare, because you were surrounded by people you love and who love you. Don’t you see? They didn’t have to physically _do_ anything. They helped you by just simply being. As I knew they would…”

For the millionth time in Dean’s life – by this point, he had stopped keeping track – Cas had taught him yet another a valuable lesson. Dean might to face the nightmares on his own… but after they were over, his family would be there to take care of him. They always would be. All he had to do was reach out for the help… Dean blinked at the angel before him, unable to properly come up with anything to say. Cas was right. His family did help him forget the nightmare…

But the pain of it still lingered in his chest. The thought of Cas disappearing forever still haunted him, which was why he reached out to tug the angel into another tight embrace. They shared the same hot breath as they gazed at each other, and Dean drank in the scent.

“I love you, Cas,” Dean repeated once more, wanting it to stick.

The angel smiled, lighting up Dean’s entire world.

“And I love you, Dean.”

**Author's Note:**

> Cas is not dead! I refuse to accept it! But I will take the ‘I love you’ any day XD I hope this little oneshot brought you some joy like it did to Dean. This was therapeutic for me, and something I really wanted to do for my good friend. (Casey, I hope you liked it!) :) I still don’t have any other fic plans at the moment, but hopefully I will come back something soon. Until then, I hope this warms your heart. :) I love you guys so much! You are the family that brings me joy. :) Thank you so much for reading and commenting! Let’s hope we can all get through the rest of Supernatural in one piece!


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